Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Not Quite Your Momma's Miss Manners - Part 3

It's Tuesday, kids! The worst day of the week, in my opinion, but a great day to talk about etiquette. Today's topic is "textiquette;" the do's and don'ts of the most proliferous form of communication we deal with. These guidelines are unisex, as I think it is ridiculous that men and women should subscribe to different rules of communication. Some of these are also pet peeves of mine, so take notes!

1) Do You Know What Time It Is?
Apparently some folks have absolutely zero respect for the hour of day at which they send texts. However, when your text comes to my phone after midnight, unless you know I am awake or out, I kind of want you to fall in a deep hole. Don't disturb someone's sleep. If it is an emergency, you should be calling anyway. Otherwise, save it for the dawn, people.

2) Abbreviate This!
Unless it is a mainstream abbreviation (brb, omg, ttyl, lol, lmao, omw, btw), I am not finna translate your sorry text message. With smart phones, autocorrect, and predictive text, you can spell out the words, I promise. It only takes a few extra seconds to send a text in English. Your English teachers will be proud.

3) Mass Text Replies
iPhone users, I'm looking at you. Androids seem to separate conversations correctly so it is harder to "reply all" to a mass text, but iPhonies consistently spam unintended recipients with their response to pictures, etc. STOP IT. This can be avoided easily. Get out of the "mass text" and send an individual reply to the sender. Otherwise, I cut you!

4) I'm Not Going To Be Ignored, Dan!
Listen, crazy, don't send 45 texts in a row because I ignored you. Either I'm busy, or I am purposefully ignoring your message. If you aren't sure which, wait a few hours. If I haven't responded, consider resending the original message (don't just say "did u get my text?") or, perish the thought, picking up the phone and calling me. If you are my ex-boyfriend, think about option b under "why didn't she respond" - I'm purposefully ignoring you. This is not an opportunity to follow up with a passive aggressive text in an attempt to make me feel bad. I won't.

5) You're Tacky And I Hate You
Okay, so you're mad/upset/want to "friend break up." Don't do it in a text. Either tell me on the phone or in person, or do the adult thing and ignore my existence while unfriending me on Facebook. I do not need your 5-page drunken text after midnight telling me that I suck. All you're doing is giving me fodder to laugh at you later with Homegirl. Oh, how we laugh!

6) Drunk Texting
Texting under the influence is bad, bad, bad! Especially your exes. Seriously, why are there not breathalyzers on smartphones yet? Don't do it.


7) Cut 'Em Out
While we're on the topic of exes, delete them from your phone. If you don't want anything to do with them ever again but you're "saving their number so I know not to answer,"  wake up. It's 2013. You can block a phone number. #Winning. Otherwise, we all know you're keeping them there in case you get lonely and want a rerun. Not cute. Delete delete delete!

8) Dirty Minds
Listen, dirty texts happen. Some relationship counselors actually recommend them to keep things spicy. Whatever floats your boat. Just make sure you're actually sending it to your significant other. Grandma Sarah doesn't need to know that you "can't wait to pick up where we left off..."

9) Multipage Texts
Do you know how many characters a single text message contains? 160. Do you know why? Because the inventor of the text message decided that most thoughts that would be conveyed via text could adequately be contained in 160 characters. Don't believe me? Here. So please don't send me a novel. Say "too much to text, can you talk?"  So much better than getting your jumbled up collection of short stories and trying to piece them together into something coherent.

10) Not At The Table
Don't text if you are having a meal with me. That is so so rude. Put your phone away and spend time with the person you are currently with. Your dinner companion will thank you.

Y'all have a good Tuesday! Tomorrow, I'm firing up the crock pot again, so look for a recipe on Thursday! Tomorrow's post? Only I know - actually, I don't yet...

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