Thursday, August 8, 2013

Birthdays and Booze...A Survival Guide

STOP THE PRESSES! Two posts in two days? It's almost like I'm a real blogger or something!

Anyway, dear readers, tomorrow is my 25th birthday!!

I love my birthday, like, a lot.

That's me rocking the yellow bow and some fierce bangs.
My brother is the one with a hand over his mouth -
December all up in there trying to blow out some candles.

I celebrate, like, a lot.
21st Birthday at my cousin's wedding reception.

Midnight birthday shot of tequila!

But this year, I am having a seven-part birthday blowout.

(Special thanks to my company, who gives me my birthday as a PAID HOLIDAY!)

So, in the spirit of gifting, I decided to run down my tips and tricks for an epic party weekend, sans any consequences - physical, mental, or legal.

*If you are offended by drinking, partying, or shenanigans, please exit to your left, and have a magical day!

The key to ANY party weekend, but especially a birthday weekend, is to keep hydrated so that all those birthday shots and sneaky mixed drinks don't catch up to you. It also keeps your skin looking glowy and fresh, which is important, since you're getting older.

Food is your friend. If, like me, you are a summer baby, a pool party and swimsuit may be involved, so you may be thinking, eh, I'll eat light. WRONG, sir, WRONG! (Name that movie) Chow down on meats, carbs, and anything else that fills you up and soaks up whatever you're finna drink. Laying down a base will prevent you from a) drinking out of hunger and b) getting sick. Plus, anyone who says ANYTHING about your weight on your birthday should promptly disembark from the party train.

Listen, I'm a fan of pre-medicated parties. No, don't go popping crazy pills, but if you're going boozing, you might want to prepare. I typically hit two ibuprofen and two Pepto capsules before a night of drinking - this wards off a headache later and keeps my tummy from getting funny or grumbly.

Alright, everyone knows (or should know) to designate a driver if you're throwing down, BUT, did you know to designate a handler? That's right, party animal, if you're going all out, you need a handler. What, pray, tell, does a handler do for you?

Job Description - "Handler"
A handler is required to do the following for their designated charge: ensure hydration, upright stature, avoidance of "swamp creatures,"* prevention of access to vehicles, prevention of drinks from randos**, and general well-being of the charge.

*"Swamp creatures" - refers to any person one might ordinarily find unattractive but, through the magical wonders of alcohol, suddenly seems fit for consumption.
**Randos - random people you do not know. DO NOT ACCEPT DRINKS FROM THESE PEOPLE UNLESS YOU PHYSICALLY RECEIVE THEM FROM THE BARTENDER. Roofie-coladas are majorly no bueno.

Olivia, my 22nd birthday Official Handler!
Also, provider of the ridiculous fluffy tiara. It lit up. For. Real.
As you can see, this is important for keeping you alive, unharmed, and out of jail or a Coyote Ugly*** situation.

***Coyote Ugly - FAB MOVIE, refers to a situation where you would chew off your own arm to get away from someone, like a "swamp creature." Also refers to dancing on the bar, usually in a mini skirt or otherwise poorly planned outfit for such activities.

There is nothing worse than not remembering ANY of your birthday, except maybe being sick AND not remembering your birthday. Your handler can help you here by keeping the water (or club soda, my hydration of choice) coming.

If you are out on the town, you need to have a general idea of your final drop zone. If, like me, you will be partying outside cabbing distance to your home, you need to prearrange with friends to crash at their place or be driven home. There's not much worse than having to pound water at a sketchy gas station for an hour or two waiting to sober up so you can drive home.

Ah hah, your handler comes in handy again. No drunk texting, kids. Give that phone to your handler once you hit that level.

Follow these simple rules and you, too, can have a wonderful, albeit hazy, weekend.

Cya on the other side of 25!

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Soul Mates

Hello again, readers! This is not a real post, more anecdotal evidence of the true nature of my friendship with my Homegirl, Mags.

Actual text conversation today:

Mags: So Saigon at noon?

Me: Indeed

Mags: Yay. K.

Me: I love you but you can be hilariously hypercritical so I have to preface our lunch with the following:
1. I spilled coffee on my original outfit for today. It was a cute one.
2. I was running late so I threw on the first thing I grabbed in my closet.
3. Yes I know my bra is sorta showing thru my dress and the skirt is a little short for work.
4. The humidity killed my hair today.
5. I am hangry so let's just eat.

Mags: Shhh
I was planning on not talking today. Lol
I spilled coffee on my black shirt 3 days ago. Still wearing it.

Me: Soul effing mates.

LOVE this girl!